A tough Season

This is one of the toughest seasons of my life spiritually. God is doing some serious pruning. I know he's taking the people out of my life that I've become a little too close too. I know that God is a jealous God, but ...sheesh! Couldn't he have done this before I became this close to everyone. Feeling this lonely for this long is really trying and I must admit... I feel like I'm slipping, finding it hard to keep the faith.
I worship my heart out and try to stay in my word, but somethings just not the same. I'm resentful and I don't know how to stop it. I feel like my heart is hardening and I'm not a receptive to people as I used to be and honestly I don't know how to stop the progression. But who's to say if I am supposed to stop it. I'm holding my heart out to him and asking him to take the pain away...I don't know what he wants from me anymore.

Maybe I'll feel a bit better tomorrow. Night all.

Crumbling

Sometimes it feels like your world is crumbling around you. Although it is, you just haven't noticed it until now. I've been holding alot inside for the past couple months. Trying everyday to put a smiling face on and be a good trouper, but after awhile....it's just time to be honest with your self. I've seen that holding all this stuff in and not talking about results in massive blow up, which make people the you're crazy and long lapsses of....emptiness. I guess this all started whwn my family started having problems. My parents seperated then got back together, then my brother stopped talking to my parents, then my sister lost my neice in nefew to their father who is a ex-con. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss and worry about those kids.Then she stopped talking to my parents. Holidays have been rough because , there really is no such thing as a family event anymore. On Christmas, mom and dad get up arounf 11 am. We eat, then mom goes back to sleep and dad goes to work. I stay home with my little brother and aunt and watch TV all day. I remember when my sibs where around my parents actually bothered taking the time off of work. There was alot more laughter...we all actually talked to each other.

My mom and I have always been very close and dad and I are still trying to repair a relationship that went sour years ago. It seems to be coming along and that puts a bit of sun in my sky from day to day. I know that there is hope. I pray that someday we'll be a family again.
This stuff has been going on for years, yet I never had to pay attention to it, because I had friends. Friends to occupy my time...good friends (or at least what I thought were good friends). You leave for a year and it's to hell with you all of a sudden. What do they need you for? right?
Then you meet new friends you think are totally awesome, but they're even faster to do the back stabbing. Then, you're left alone, and all of a sudden...you have time on your hands. More time than usual to really sit and think about time gone by .......
and you have to face it. You have to face what's going on around you. What's been going on for months or even years. And you have to ask God what the heck to do with this mess that's been made of a once amazing life. How do I put it back together?

Decisions

Today I went in a full circle on what I wanted to do with my life . My first class had gotten let out of Final cut editing early. Katie and I sat around in the lounge talking about switching majors, then she pulled out the progression sheets for each coarse. I looked at the BFA in acting and thought that all the classes looked really cool. I really wanted to take them. I tried calling my dad to tell him that I wanted to switch majors. I was so excited I wanted to bust and oh so sure of myself. I told myself "I'm not going to let anyone stop me. I'm gonna follow my passion. Who cares what others may think." .I pretty much knew that my dad would think I was loosing my mind and setting myself up for failure. I didn't get to see him till about 6 o' clock pm. He told me I could do whatever I wanted, but that he didn't think it was wise and that I should stay in the same major. I got mad at him and told him that he always had to make me feel bad about the things that I wanted to accomplish for myself. I told him I was a big girl and could make my own decisions. I was set on changing my major. The first two people I talked to told me that I should follow my heart and go with what I wanted to do. It would run less of the risk of me dropping out of college. I was determined! Nothing was gonna stand in my way....then....I thought it may be wise to ask the two women in my life who I ask for advice all the time. They've never steered me wrong. Christine and Michelle....of course we all know what happens here. They're old and wiser....they know. They talked me out of my stupid antics and set me straigh...lovingly.
I'm back where I started. Why do I feeel like I waisted a mssive amount of brain power. It's 2am better hit the sack. Class in the morning....well I have to wake up in 5 hours. Very nice. I love screwing myself over:]

Where'd me go?

The nights go by.
The sleep wont come.
I let out a sigh and know I'm done.
Where's the hope I used to feel?
There's too much pain!
Can this be real?!
I'm not me.
No not the person I used to be.
She found joy
in everything.
The shining baby doll
with a gapped tooth smile
with a loving spirit
that went on for miles.
She took a trip across the sea
to find the person she called"Me".
Not knowing Me was right there by here side,
Me tagged along for the ride.
Me got lost in all their hearts
and when it was time for them to part
they all took a piece of me home,
but she went home all alone.

OBAMA WON!!!

Finally a change! A great change for my people, for all people. MLK would be so proud. I'm SOOO happy. I've had to keep this under raps for the longest time since it seems that every one in my life is a hardcore MCCain/ Palin person. I had an older friend of mine tell me that people who voted for Obama were stupid...not knowing that I voted for him earlier that day. I'm not ashamed of my vote though. No way! My ancenstors have gone through way too much for me to be ashamed of it. I've gone through way too much. Everytime I wasn't casted in a role because of the color of my skin. The way that when I open up my mouth to speak most people are suprised to hear me for the first time because I don't use ebonics. Going through a store, being followed around just because I'm "Ethnic" and they think this means I'll steal something. I feel that with a man of colour in office we as a country will start making some changes and stop judging each other when it comes to skin color. Because my blood is exactly the same color as yours. It's red. I bleed just like you. I hurt just like you and I just want to live my life judgment free....just like you.

"WE SHALL OVERCOME!"

Along day

Ok. wow! So I've had the last few days to mope around and completely be mad at the world. Last night I was talking to Colleen on the phone and everything that I've been feeling for the past few months(since getting out of UWP) totally exploded out of me. I was so frustrated and mad at the world. I told her that I felt like a heart shaped pin cushion who was always gushing and giving out love and that everyone else was just sticking pins into me and refusing to give the love back. Anyway, I felt a little bit better after letting that out and finally telling someone how I felt. After I got of the phone with Colleen, a friend named Michelle I.M.ed me and asked me if I was feeling any better than the last time she talked to me. Michelle had only known me for a few months, but I have a relationship with her that is stronger than most.
I really look up to her. For her to show that she actually cared about how I was feeling made the night satisfying and complete.
This morning when I woke up i felt SOOO blissful. So rejuvenated. I stayed that way all day. I love what God is doing in me even though it hurts sometime. I know my life is gonna be great.
I had three classes today. Pre- Production, Post- Production and Theatre. In my Theatre class we had to sit down and read roles out loud. I found myself getting anxious and really nervous. Me and Aoife had worked on my anxiety on the UWP trip. I was letting it get in the way. Tonight I decided that that will never again hinder me. I miss her and the help she would give me, but now I have to do this on my own. I have to go for things without being so scared that I stop myself. I've done that all my life and it hasn't gotten me very far. Just imagine how awesome my life would be if I just let go of the fear. Tonight I decided I was going to follow my heart and go into theatre and music after all. Why am I denying myself of my passion. That's crazy. Tonight has been a good thinking night...and I still have hw to do. oy!

andrea's wedding

So after all the craziness that Andrea and I went through we finally mended our relationship tonight. I think it's crazy to fight over political issues. When you love someone you learn to keep your mouth shut about certain things. Like the fact that she was marrying a girl really had nothing to do with me, so why the heck would I admit that I was a little uncomfortable with it. Just leave it alone.
I feel like I almost lost her due to a religious opinion. God told me to Love everyone. Love the sinner hate the sin. I'm done with making judgments about other people. It takes away from the beauty of life if we all can't just be different and be fine with that.
I had an amazing time at her wedding tonight. I think I really could learn to except Emma. She really is a nice girl. I mean....I know it's going to take some adjusting to, but I don't think it will be so bad after all.
I felt so...wanted tonight. I haven't felt that way in along time. Everyone at the wedding said that they had heard so much about me, meaning that Andrea cared enough to tell them. that means a lot to me.
It sucks that I almost lost someone i really love and adore to a foolish opinion that should have never been voiced. I'm just glad I got a second chance.