Crumbling

Sometimes it feels like your world is crumbling around you. Although it is, you just haven't noticed it until now. I've been holding alot inside for the past couple months. Trying everyday to put a smiling face on and be a good trouper, but after awhile....it's just time to be honest with your self. I've seen that holding all this stuff in and not talking about results in massive blow up, which make people the you're crazy and long lapsses of....emptiness. I guess this all started whwn my family started having problems. My parents seperated then got back together, then my brother stopped talking to my parents, then my sister lost my neice in nefew to their father who is a ex-con. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss and worry about those kids.Then she stopped talking to my parents. Holidays have been rough because , there really is no such thing as a family event anymore. On Christmas, mom and dad get up arounf 11 am. We eat, then mom goes back to sleep and dad goes to work. I stay home with my little brother and aunt and watch TV all day. I remember when my sibs where around my parents actually bothered taking the time off of work. There was alot more laughter...we all actually talked to each other.

My mom and I have always been very close and dad and I are still trying to repair a relationship that went sour years ago. It seems to be coming along and that puts a bit of sun in my sky from day to day. I know that there is hope. I pray that someday we'll be a family again.
This stuff has been going on for years, yet I never had to pay attention to it, because I had friends. Friends to occupy my time...good friends (or at least what I thought were good friends). You leave for a year and it's to hell with you all of a sudden. What do they need you for? right?
Then you meet new friends you think are totally awesome, but they're even faster to do the back stabbing. Then, you're left alone, and all of a sudden...you have time on your hands. More time than usual to really sit and think about time gone by .......
and you have to face it. You have to face what's going on around you. What's been going on for months or even years. And you have to ask God what the heck to do with this mess that's been made of a once amazing life. How do I put it back together?