A tough Season

This is one of the toughest seasons of my life spiritually. God is doing some serious pruning. I know he's taking the people out of my life that I've become a little too close too. I know that God is a jealous God, but ...sheesh! Couldn't he have done this before I became this close to everyone. Feeling this lonely for this long is really trying and I must admit... I feel like I'm slipping, finding it hard to keep the faith.
I worship my heart out and try to stay in my word, but somethings just not the same. I'm resentful and I don't know how to stop it. I feel like my heart is hardening and I'm not a receptive to people as I used to be and honestly I don't know how to stop the progression. But who's to say if I am supposed to stop it. I'm holding my heart out to him and asking him to take the pain away...I don't know what he wants from me anymore.

Maybe I'll feel a bit better tomorrow. Night all.

Crumbling

Sometimes it feels like your world is crumbling around you. Although it is, you just haven't noticed it until now. I've been holding alot inside for the past couple months. Trying everyday to put a smiling face on and be a good trouper, but after awhile....it's just time to be honest with your self. I've seen that holding all this stuff in and not talking about results in massive blow up, which make people the you're crazy and long lapsses of....emptiness. I guess this all started whwn my family started having problems. My parents seperated then got back together, then my brother stopped talking to my parents, then my sister lost my neice in nefew to their father who is a ex-con. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss and worry about those kids.Then she stopped talking to my parents. Holidays have been rough because , there really is no such thing as a family event anymore. On Christmas, mom and dad get up arounf 11 am. We eat, then mom goes back to sleep and dad goes to work. I stay home with my little brother and aunt and watch TV all day. I remember when my sibs where around my parents actually bothered taking the time off of work. There was alot more laughter...we all actually talked to each other.

My mom and I have always been very close and dad and I are still trying to repair a relationship that went sour years ago. It seems to be coming along and that puts a bit of sun in my sky from day to day. I know that there is hope. I pray that someday we'll be a family again.
This stuff has been going on for years, yet I never had to pay attention to it, because I had friends. Friends to occupy my time...good friends (or at least what I thought were good friends). You leave for a year and it's to hell with you all of a sudden. What do they need you for? right?
Then you meet new friends you think are totally awesome, but they're even faster to do the back stabbing. Then, you're left alone, and all of a sudden...you have time on your hands. More time than usual to really sit and think about time gone by .......
and you have to face it. You have to face what's going on around you. What's been going on for months or even years. And you have to ask God what the heck to do with this mess that's been made of a once amazing life. How do I put it back together?

Decisions

Today I went in a full circle on what I wanted to do with my life . My first class had gotten let out of Final cut editing early. Katie and I sat around in the lounge talking about switching majors, then she pulled out the progression sheets for each coarse. I looked at the BFA in acting and thought that all the classes looked really cool. I really wanted to take them. I tried calling my dad to tell him that I wanted to switch majors. I was so excited I wanted to bust and oh so sure of myself. I told myself "I'm not going to let anyone stop me. I'm gonna follow my passion. Who cares what others may think." .I pretty much knew that my dad would think I was loosing my mind and setting myself up for failure. I didn't get to see him till about 6 o' clock pm. He told me I could do whatever I wanted, but that he didn't think it was wise and that I should stay in the same major. I got mad at him and told him that he always had to make me feel bad about the things that I wanted to accomplish for myself. I told him I was a big girl and could make my own decisions. I was set on changing my major. The first two people I talked to told me that I should follow my heart and go with what I wanted to do. It would run less of the risk of me dropping out of college. I was determined! Nothing was gonna stand in my way....then....I thought it may be wise to ask the two women in my life who I ask for advice all the time. They've never steered me wrong. Christine and Michelle....of course we all know what happens here. They're old and wiser....they know. They talked me out of my stupid antics and set me straigh...lovingly.
I'm back where I started. Why do I feeel like I waisted a mssive amount of brain power. It's 2am better hit the sack. Class in the morning....well I have to wake up in 5 hours. Very nice. I love screwing myself over:]